Idiot
by FaithBane-Lightwood
Summary: Alec is quickly losing what little will he has left to live. He feels exactly like how Magnus described him. An Idiot. Rated M for self-harm and attempted suicide. Malec.


**Disclaimer: Do I even have to say anything? I obviously only own the plot.**

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Alec knows it isn't healthy, but every time he closes his eyes he sees green ones staring accusingly back at him. He thinks about him, even though he knows doing so makes his situation worse. It makes him think of that moment, that single moment that made his world crash down around him, making his life even more pathetic.

_"Aku cinta kamu."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"It means I love you. Not that that changes anything."_

Now that he looks back, he can see a million ways that he could have avoided his act of shaming stupidity. _Stupid. Exactly the word that describes you. _Alec stares at his sealing, like any other night since that heart shattering event three months ago. _Why can't you do better? Pathetic shadowhunter._ Tears well up in Alec's eyes, but he doesn't let them fall. He hasn't cried in three whole days and wasn't about to break the streak.

_Fuck up of a shadowhunter. You can't keep your family alive, can't keep your one love, and can't keep yourself alive. _That little voice is right. Alec can't keep himself alive. He had been doing _almost_ okay up until two weeks after Magnus let him go.

_*Flash Back*_

_ Alec was walking down the sidewalk. He was on his way to apologize. He even had an excuse to be there if he somehow chickened out or got denied. He needed to return his key. He kept walking as he twirled the small brass object in his hand. He really hope Magnus forgives him, or at least isn't mad. _

_ When Alec finally arrived, he let himself in through the first door and made his journey up the stairs. When he got to the desired floor he located the door and hesitated. He really hopes that Magnus isn't horribly mad at him. Before he could talk himself out of it, he knocked. Behind the door he heard someone shout a curse and stomp their way to the door._

_"Who the fuck- oh. It's you." Magnus said to him with dead eyes. Alec's eyes went wide at the state of the warlock. He was shirtless, with two large hickies on his neck and one on his chest. His pants were slung low on his hips, making it clear that he wasn't wearing underwear._

_"O-oh. I'm s-sorry. I-"Alec began but was the cut off by a voice._

_"Magnus, baby! Come back here and give me some of that sweet ass!" Magnus just rolled his eyes and sighed. Then he turned his gaze back to the blue-eyed shadowhunter._

_"Are you going to stand there like the idiot you made yourself or do you need something?" Magnus glared at him. _

_ Alec felt tears pool in his eyes. No matter how bad Alec messed up, Magnus never called him an idiot. Alec just mumbled something and threw the key towards Magnus's chest. He turned on his heels and ran down the hall. He thought he heard a voice call to him, but he was too far gone._

_ *End Of Flash Back*_

Alec can't help the tears as he relives that humiliating moment. There he was sad and broken, and there Magnus was, happily living and fucking around without a care in the world. _Maybe you should just give up. No one cares. You have enough scars so why bother prolong the inevitable? Magnus obviously won't care. _The voice was right. On the tops of his thighs and the soft skin of his wrist were dozens of scars. He started a little after Max's death, but stopped about the second he started because Magnus noticed and begged him to stop.

Not pausing to talk himself out of it, Alec leaps up and runs out of his door. On his dash to be out of the house, he runs into Isabelle. They stare at each other wide-eyed for a moment before Alec pushes past her to run out of the Institute.

Isabelle stares at Alec's fleeing back and almost cries. She got a glimpse at his poorly healed wrists as he ran past. _Is that what I think it is?...Yes._ He hasn't come out of his room at all in two weeks, at least not when they were around. She hears him sneak out at night to grab food but she stays in her room, knowing that if she confronted him that she would make matters worse. He has lost weight too. At least fifteen pounds. His eyes are bruised and his _soul_ even feels run down to her. Where is he going? She needs to stop him, but at this rate he is already long gone. Isabelle also knows that Alec only needs one person right now, and it isn't her. She pulls out her cell phone and dials a number.

Magnus is quietly dozing on his plush pink couch with Chairman Meow curled delicately on his chest when he is rudely awoken by his phone.

"WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY PEACE?!" He yells into the phone, not bothering to check the caller ID.

"Oh shut the hell up you glittery twat."

"Isabelle, why, may I ask, are you granting me this pleasure? I told Alec that I didn't want to hear from any of you." He says in mock politeness. Magnus can basically hear her eye roll.

"I need you to find Alec." She say, almost pleadingly.

"Um...How about a fuck no."

"Do it! He ran out of the Institute just now like a bat out of hell and I don't know where he is going! He's barely came out of his room for two months! Not at all in two weeks! He looks awful and he has scars all over his-"

"What?" Magnus jerks up like he was struck by Isabelle's whip.

"He has scars all along his arms. I even saw some blood on his pants. The worst was the word. _Idiot_ was carved into his skin at least six times. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?" Isabelle asks him accusingly. Magnus felt his heart shatter. No his hear was already shattered from leaving his Angel all those months ago. Now, he felt the broken pieces turn to dust as the guilt ate away at him.

"Yes." Magnus croaked. His voice filled with the tears his eyes refused to shed.

"Then you better fucking do something about it!"She screeched at him.

"Okay." He replied in a broken voice and hung up his phone.

He took out one of Alec's old sweaters from his bedroom. He never had the heart to part with it because it reminded him of Alec. He even put in on when the feeling of heartbreak was overbearing. He began a tracking spell, terrified if he was too late. He can track a dead body so when his location came up to be just a mile away, his heart didn't relax.

Alec sighed as he felt his dagger slide once more over his already mutilated wrist. He was on the roof of an abandoned building. His feel dangling precariously of the ledge. No one was around, so no one could call the police and report a suicide jumper. That was why he picked this particular place.

Alec put the dagger down as he began to feel light-headed. He didn't want to pass out before he could do what he came here for. He scooted away from the edge so he could stand on the ledge a bit better and took a deep breath. He began to wonder if he would be with Max when he died. _Nope. You're going right to hell, you faggot._ He sighed dejectedly at that. Oh well, he doesn't really care anymore. Alec was about to take his final leap to death when a soft voice said his name.

"Alexander." Alec jerked around so fast that his foot slipped on the ledge. He began to fall when a ring covered hand grabbed his shoulder and pulled him to the dirty floor of the roof.

"Oh Alexander. Oh my Angel." Magnus sobbed with his arms around the boy. He was hugging him close to his body in attempt to shield him from his own self hatred.

"Let go of me." Alec said softly, tense with those arms tight around him, mocking him with what he used to have.

"Angel, what were you thinking?" Magnus says and pulls him closer to his chest. Alec just shook his head and shoved against Magnus's chest.

"Let go! Let go of me!" Tears were falling from the boys blue eyes as he struggled against the taller man.

"Alec please calm down. Please. I'll never let you go again."Alec finally gained the courage to look up into Magnus's eyes and saw tears trailing out of them. He just went limp in his arms and didn't look at Magnus again as he held him there, shaking and crying.

"I love you, Alec. Why would you try to remove yourself from this world knowing that?" Magnus asked in a voice full of pity. Alec hates pity.

"I didn't know that. You seemed fine without me. Fuck Magnus! I event went to apologize and you called me an idiot and were obviously in the middle of fucking somebody when I interrupted you so don't even tell me that you love me, you liar." Alec began to pound on Magnus's chest again but due to his lack of eating and blood loss his vision began to swim and he stopped. He slumped against Magnus's chest. His face buried in his shirt as he cried.

"I-I am so sorry, Alexander. You hurt me. I j-just wanted to hurt you back. I didn't really mean it, calling you an idiot. You are the smartest, most beautiful creation on this earth."

"You don't purposely hurt the ones you love, Magnus. I didn't even mean to hurt you! I was never going to make you mortal without your consent! I just wanted to know a bit about you and the only one that wanted to tell me was Camille!"

"Oh Angel-"Magnus began, but Alec cut him off.

"Stop."Alec pleaded and looked away, then he heard words that he never expected to hear.

"Please forgive me." Alec jerked his head up in shock. His bottle blue eyes wide.

"It isn't your fault. I started it. I was being stupid. An idiot." When those words left Alec's lips Magnus grabbed his wrists and jerked down his sleeves.

"Oh Alexander." Magnus sighed shakily and placed a light kiss on each of his wrists.

"I'm sorry, Magnus. I promised that I wouldn't do it b-but I couldn't help myself."Alec sobs out.

"I know, Angel. I know. I'll help you, Angel, and you will help me. We'll fix each other."Magnus says in a soft whisper against Alexander's neck. They sat there in a soft silence until Alec spoke.

"Why did you do it, Magnus?" Alec says in a hurt voice against his chest.

"Do what, my love?"

"T-that man. W-why did you...you know?" Alec awkwardly stammered.

"I wanted to forget you. I was haunted by the image of your sad face. I felt like such an asshole whenever I closed my eyes because I knew that you were sorry but I just didn't want to forgive you. I'm sorry, Alexander. Forgive me. I love you, my Angel." Magnus was now so close to Alec's face that he could feel the warlock's breath brush against his cheek. Alec looked into his beautiful green cat eyes and immediately saw the sorrow in them.

"I love you too, Magnus. I forgive you, but you must forgive me as well." Alec replies, looking straight into his eyes. The warlock lightly grabbed the shadowhunter by the chin and tilted his face up to meet his.

"Always and forever, my silly nephilim." He whispers against his lips and lightly places a kiss upon them. Ale felt his body melt into Magnus's at during that kiss. After months of heartbreak and loneliness, a simple kiss made Alec's heart begin to mend.


End file.
